SELF DOUBT

I don’t know how many of you suffer from this unsurmountable inner demon called ‘SELF DOUBT’. I have never been without it from start to end. Always so self-conscious, so to me there must be almost no one in the world who hasn’t ever doubted themselves.

It is the biggest and most prominent problem between me and my goals. There is always that lingering feeling of not enough in everything I have ever done. It wasn’t so evident growing up but entering the teenage it shot through the roof. Even after scoring good marks and grades, even standing among top scorers, I always feel that somehow I am not doing anything and just tricking everyone into believing that I am.

I searched through quotes, through blogs, took personality tests and even mental health issues. The relatable one I came across was Imposter Syndrome, in which an individual feels like they are fooling people around them and are not actually capable while their accomplishments definitely prove otherwise, and they are very competent. I read that it is not like an illness; it’s more of a phase.

While I was processing all of this information, a common factor a stumbled upon in almost all of my troubles was my inner confidence. I always was more of an obedient child than not, following all my parents, elder brother or teachers said most of the time blindly as I was convinced of the concept of grown-ups always, yup always being correct, but as we all know that as we hit teens, we start becoming more self – dependent and then I realized and even yearned for a voice of my own but ….I just couldn’t find it.

 As I looked back, I found a massive load of small thoughts, jokes, opinions all strung up in my head. These included even the most negligible events of I guess children discussing cartoons. Like my friend is saying I like this Disney princess, and when I say I want the other one, and she says no she’s not so special why her, I accepted that my taste must suck forgetting to question why so. Well, of course, a Disney princess at the age of 4 is not a big deal, but as years passed by, my existence to me seemed more composed of what others thought about me than actually me. I started to search for my lost voice everywhere.

Just like the Disney princess in which it must be my lame choices or so I thought without anybody telling me that opinion of all matters, not only mine or only my friend’s but of all and everybody has a right to express it in a way which doesn’t belittle the other or hurts other but yup nobody told me that my voice counted. Today I struggle to believe in myself because I learned to question myself so as to avoid hurting others, but I forgot my own being.

The questions which I now ponder upon after all this jumble in my head are :

1. Are my happiness and content depending upon me?
•YES: Then why care what world says about your likes.
•NO: If it’s your happiness, why the world has the controller to it.

2. There is criticism to my thoughts.
•Do I actually do that?
•YES: If its a shortcoming indeed, I improve myself
• NO: If I still believe firmly after pondering over the fact logically , I stick to my opinion. Try convincing but if not then it’s totally fine , all of us got our perspectives.

In the end it’s up to us. We need to believe ourselves as well as others. Start respecting yourself more, give yourself the biggest smiles and those pats on the back for maybe even waking up on the third snooze alarm when you took ten(lol). Seriously cherish your existence more, you are the only one who is going to spend whole of life together with you, be it when you are laughing, crying or be it all those embarrassing secrets which only you can tell about yourself. Doubt your existence less. You are as real as the earth, solar systems, milky way and the galaxy existing. You are the best you made in the whole universe.